- It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven, sometimes I just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. And by the time it’s done… who knows.
- If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
- I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
- “An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
- “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
- “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
- “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”
- “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”
- “Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”
- “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.”
- I order a club sandwhich all the time, but I’m not even a member man, I don’t know how I get away with it.
- “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
- “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’”
- “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
- “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
- “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”
- “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?”
- “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”
- I was at a bar, I was minding my own business, no one was talking to me cause I had just did a show. This guy bumped into me which is cool, but he didn’t apologize, he said “Move”, and I thought that was rude so I said “Go to hell”, and then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a hat. Hey said “Hey, you got a lot of nerve.” I said “Hey, you got a lot of… cranium accessories.” *crowd laughs* This is a smart crowd here, when I play the dumb crowd, I gotta say “You got a lot of shit on your head.”
- “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.”
- “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
- “Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.”
- “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
- “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”
- “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
- “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
- “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
- “It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.”
- “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
- “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
- “I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”
- “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”
- Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kind’ve like they’re saying “Here… you throw this away.”
- I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
- “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.”
- “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”
- “Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”
- “I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
- “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”
- “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”
- I rent a lot of cars because I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car I don’t know what’s going on with it right… so a lot of times I drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the *emergency* *brake*.
- “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
- “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”
- “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
- “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
- Acid was my favorite drug, acid expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margerine. I saw through the bullshit.
- “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!”
- “I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”
- I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and stand in the lunchmeat section for too long you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like Turkey-Ham, Turkey-Pastromi, Turkey-Balogna… somebody needs to tell the turkeys “Man… just be yourself.”
— Mitch Hedberg
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